dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
