I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
