i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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