oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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