wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
