Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
