would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
