In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
