whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
