super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
