if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
it's great music for shaving your balls
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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