It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
