Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
