On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
