tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
