So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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