So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
