If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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