I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
