Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
