I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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