i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
