there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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