i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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