you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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