your thong is hanging out like whoa
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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