so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
