and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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