Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
