I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
