maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
