Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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