i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
