I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
