Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
