Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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