It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
