He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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