does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
