Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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