Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
