I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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