My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
