My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
