so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
