I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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