I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
