I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
