you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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