I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
