i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
