my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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