R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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