so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
where am i from again
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
