Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
