help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
