Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
