It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
