well I can't set my house on fire every night
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
